How to be an Aussie?

20 April 2017

"Turnbull wants guidelines for being an Aussie but struggled to list them"

Dear Mr Turnbull, how can I be an Aussie? Please help me.

I am trying to demonstrate “proof of my integration to the Australian culture” here, what the hell it supposed to mean, anyway.

BBQ? Love it. But I’m afraid I don’t like the sausage, sorry but I don’t find it healthy. I prefer chicken shish, does that count?

Footy? The rules are far more than the rules of being a citizen! But I can pretend that I support Hawthorn by wearing a yellow-brown scarf. Does that count?

Mr Turnbull suggests that we join to some clubs to show our integration to the community, and gives surf club as an example. Oh dear! If we can agree on bodysurf, then I am in. Otherwise, I am sorry Malcolm, but you will lose me. 

Coffee? Well, I have to admit, yes I love cappuccino. I even say ‘Cap’.

Ohh, I can shorten my name too. You can call me ‘Yas’ from now on! Aussies will love it.

Wearing thongs for all year long? If all Australians do it, then it means it’s part of the culture. I can try if it’s absolutely necessary, but I can’t promise for the winter.

Camping? I should definitely get points for citizenship for every camp that I made here. Grampians, Jervis Bay, Wilsons Prom, Ocean Road. Enough, or should I continue?

I hope you will not force us to eat Vegemite. I can do all the things in the list, I can even eat pavlova, but Vegemite, oh god no! Don't do this to us Mr Turnbull.

Knowing proper English, sending kids to school, not depending on the welfare are completely reasonable requirements to consider someone to be a citizen. But integrating to the culture? So vague. You can’t even explain it yourself.

I of course understand what you mean, the kind of people who you don't want here, but it is sooo difficult to assess this.


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